So I’m writing this blog for my own piece of mind as well for people to see the insight of my own personal mental and physical health battle. I’m going to bring up a lot of issues in this about how growing up with weight has affected me.
I suppose I have to start at beginning I always have grown up with weight issues being born I was 11pound 2oz so even at an early stage I was big. When I grew up in early years I was always the same weight as my age, so when I was 10 years of age I was 10 stone and that continued all the way through primary school. I remember even been bullied at an early age in primary school over my weight. I know kids are innocent and don’t think what they say but to me it used to hurt me badly. I remember more days trying to convince my mam I was sick because I didn’t want to go to school because I was sick with thoughts about getting slagged over my weight. To be at such a young age and have those thoughts in your head was never good. My teacher knew about the issue and tried deal with it but I suppose there was only so much she could do. It got so bad at one stage I even went to move to another school because my confidence was shot.
When it came to secondary school I really thought it was a new start for me that the slate would be wiped clean and I could open a new chapter in my book. But unfortunately things never changed. Instead of me trying to seek help I kept all my emotions built up inside me and said nothing about it. Looking back on it now I know it was the wrong thing to do. I instead starting comfort eating to make myself feel happy, it was like an endless pit in my stomach I couldn’t get enough food in me. My mental health was in probably the worst state in my life going through my teenage years I often contemplated the easy way out and committing suicide but for some strange reason I couldn’t even build the confidence to do that either. People genuinely didn’t think there was ever anything wrong me until the first viewing of RTE’s Operation Transformation and that was because of how simple it was for me to put on a mask and be that guy that everyone knew that was so jolly and happy go lucky person. Instead of me enjoying my teenage years I secretly hated every moment of it.
I became badly depressed and didn’t feel the need to tell anyone about it as I didn’t want to bother people with my problems because for me I thought it was stupid and it was my own fault that I was in this place. I also suffered badly from paranoia as I thought everyone was laughing at me even if they were not and trust me it really hurt me badly to get them thoughts in your head it’s never good frame of mind to be in.
When I applied for Operation Transformation I thought to myself I’m at the lowest point in my life, I was 21 years of age 27 stone and was slowly eating myself into an early grave. I had hit rock bottom, when I filled that application I honestly didn’t think I would have got a second thought about been selected because of my size that even they could not help me.
When I was selected it was like someone had just took a massive weight of my shoulders and I could actually seek the help I needed and change my life for the good. What really hit home for me was seeing my parents on TV and in tears speaking about my weight and how it even affected them that was like someone got a knife and stuck in my chest and just ripped it clean out. But for the first time in years everything was out in the open and anything they didn’t know about they soon found out.
I decided that I had to change my life for myself and no one else I know it’s a bad thing to say but instead of 20 years down the line and me putting my parents into the graveyard it would have been them putting me into it in a year or two weather it was from me committing suicide because of my head not been able to take the pressure of it anymore or just simply having a massive heart attack as my body just couldn’t handle what I was doing to it anymore. Anyone that knows me knows I’m very blunt and honest about my weight and mental health issues but it’s only after coming about in the last year and a half.
I have changed my life around and yes it’s a fantastic feeling I watch what goes into my body but I also love exercising I know it’s hard to get motivated to do these things but when you reach that certain point in your life when a road faces you and there’s two ways you can go, the worst way possible or do your best to come back fighting and for me that’s what I have done I came back with all guns blazing. It’s not easy losing weight and trying to find mental issues but it’s better than where I was 12 months ago. I can actually be a normal person again and can now actually start enjoying life to the full. I am fully convinced that I can achieve any goals I want and nothing or no one will stop me in life no matter how hard they try.
I know that in this day age there are still kids in secondary schools been bullied all you have to do is look on social media networks and see teens taking their young lives because they can’t deal with the pressure of been bullied anymore and think it’s the best thing to do. I know what it’s like to think to yourself ‘would anyone even notice me gone or would I even be missed’ but trust me it just doesn’t affect your close family it hits everyone in that local community.
If I could seek help at my lowest point than anyone else can. All it takes is that one minute to say to someone can we talk I’m not okay or pick up that phone and send a message. I personally cannot stand seeing someone been bullied or hurt over the weight or whatever might be the problem that surrounds them I think there should be a policy that can cut it out completely, but also there should be counselling in every school in the country regardless if its needed or not, but it might just help that one student where they can turn to talk to someone or even let there be workshops done throughout the year to help these individuals beat these mental and physical health problems.
My advice to any young teenagers out there is to be vocal, don’t hide behind a mask just because you’re afraid to speak in case people might think you’re weird for what you are doing or saying. Trust me when I say it is always better to speak to someone than let it build up inside you and then think what other thing can I do only go and commit suicide there is other ways. Just remember that and your parent’s family and your real friends are always going to be there for you regardless of what you may go through in life. That’s what counts not that bully that is making them comments because maybe he has the issues.
Anyhow I shall chat to you all very soon and I hope that this might help someone along the way
Alan Murph Mullen